I Am Not Brave.

Over the past couple days these song lyrics have been repeated over and over in my mind.

"I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours."


These past 3 weeks here in Germany have been intense for me. Honestly, this past YEAR has been intense for me. My type A personality that needs clearly defined boundaries and rules, a strict schedule, occasional naps, everything in place, and a good plan - has been completely out of whack. I have gone from bed to bed, home to home, time zone to time zone, culture to culture, language to language, and NO plan! This is my new normal. And as much of an adventure it is, my life is completely different than it EVER has been. I never know whats coming next, Im never certain of anything, theres no reason to make plans because they are always changing, and I cant remember the last time I took a nice nap! Oh and to top it off I never was one to get sick, but let me tell you, in this past year I have never gotten more sick. I know this sounds like Im complaining, Im not. In fact, I have never been more content.

I AM NOT BRAVE. Nope, not me, not in myself. And Im ACTUALLY ok with that.

I will be the first one to say that I have never been more weak.

But isnt that where TRUE strength starts?? When I am at the complete end of myself, THATS when God comes with all HIS strength and grace. For the moment.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."" 1 Corinthians 12:9

I love this quote that says, "That is, the strength which God imparts to His people is more commonly and more completely manifested when people feel that they are weak. It is not imparted to those who feel that they are strong and who do not realize their need of divine aid. It is not so completely manifested to those who are vigorous and strong as to the feeble. It is when we are conscious that we are feeble, and when we feel our need of aid, that the Redeemer manifests his power to uphold, and imparts his purest consolations."

When I am weak, then HE is strong.

I NEED God. Every step of this journey. I can't do all of this by myself. I cannot love Jesse and be the wife I am meant to be without the DAILY help of my Lord. I cannot love and serve people without HIS love, strength, wisdom. I just can't. But HE can :) and thats where I boast! I boast in my weakness because THATS when God is glorified :) I will not be able to glory in myself. Just my Lord :) THATS why I'm so content even in my discomfort. Because although my physical body is uncomfortable, my spirit is at peace :)

And just like the lyrics say, "The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy." Thats it. I have nothing else to offer except myself. My heart. 

"I am willing, I am YOURS."